Lawyers love to argue, no one will deny that, and one argument that wouldn’t sustain any objections is that it’s probably the occupation that people make the most jokes about. Everyone loves to hate lawyers, but also without objection everyone loves to laugh. It’s quite possible that there are as many lawyers as there are jokes about them, and as many bad lawyer jokes as there are bad lawyers. Let’s face it, the only problem with the jokes, good or bad, is the lawyers don’t think they’re funny and people don’t think they’re jokes. Even if you find some in contempt, our only intention is to make you laugh. So in closing, we would like to present to you, and completely at the expense of lawyers everywhere, this compilation of legal humor that we hope will make you laugh and won’t judge us too harshly for.
I Would Like to Address the Court
Lawyers can be long-winded and boring when addressing a courtroom which can be difficult to sit through, it would help if they were witty, clever or funny like these jokes we’ve found for you, some of these are long-winded as well, but hopefully they’ll keep you smiling and give you a laugh instead of requiring an adjournment.
- A law professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever” A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? “The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
- A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven. He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. “What were you in life?” St. Peter asked one man. “I was a personal injury lawyer,” came the reply. “Well, come with me,” said St. Peter. “I will show you to your quarters. ” And St. Peter led the man to a magnificent palace, more illustrious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, “In life, I was Pope John Paul II. “St. Peter said, “Let me show you to your quarters,” and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting. “That isn’t fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn’t seem right. ” St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. “What can I say? We’ve got hundreds of popes up here. This is the first lawyer we’ve ever had.”
- A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. “Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm has been ripped off!” “Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”
- Two lawyers boarded a flight out of Orlando, one sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a doctor boarded and took the aisle seat next to the two lawyers. The doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was relaxing when the lawyer in the window seat said, “I think i’ll get a drink” the doctor replied, “no problem, let me get it for you” While he was gone, one of the lawyers picked up his left shoe and spit in it. When the doctor returned with the drink the other lawyer said, “that looks good, i’d like one too” The doctor offered to get the drink for him and when he left, the lawyer spit in the doctor’s other shoe. When he returned with the drink they sat back and enjoyed the flight. When the plane started to land, the doctor slid his feet into his shoes and noticed immediately what the lawyers had done. “How long must this fighting between our professions continue? “This contempt?” “This animosity?” “This spitting in shoes and pissing in drinks?”
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they noticed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, “I’d give $250 to spend the night with her.
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied,“I’ll take you up on that offer.”After bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, “If you don’t give me the other $125, I’ll sue you for it”. He laughed, saying “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented”.
After the usual preliminaries,
the lady’s lawyer addressed
the court as follows:
“Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.”
The defendant’s lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion: “Your honor,” he said, “My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted.
”In the Judge’s decision, he provided for two options: (a) Pay the balance of $125 to the plaintiff; or (b) have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages.”
The defendant wrote out a check immediately.
If any of the following jokes cause you personal injury from excessive laughing or eye-rolling there’s not much we can do, our only advice is to laugh it off. However, being injured in an accident is no laughing matter and you can call us for a free consultation. We’re no joke.